& yet men covet virgins.

now that we have that bit of cleverness out of the way..

I will lay some insight on you after all. nearly dying is scary. really fucking scary. you can put pec implants on it and dress it in camo, mannin’ it up all you like–but at the heart of things when you share that one moment all humans share at some point (and often more than once) of a real intake of the idea “hey, i’m seriously at risk of not existing” it kinda knocks the wind out of you.

cliche, whatever.

so for the last week, since i went off my antibiotics what’s eating me up is having no idea what might or might not be gathering in my chest cavity. having being around for the draining of 16 litres of full frontal bacterial attack the last time I guess maybe I am over-aware of the possibility of it happening again.

in a few days i go to see the surgeon and he will decide if anything of the infection remains, but in the interim i’m sitting here wondering–without the protective armor of broad spectrum antibiotics, you know?

so maybe i’m a bit freaked out. maybe i’m sensitive about being over-run and digested from the inside out. maybe every ache and pain in that general area reminds me i could be a big strep stew, and maybe that’s fuckin with my head.

maybe i feel like i can’t really make plans till i know what’s going on in there.

like it’s all conjecture up till then.

like i could go in and he could say it’s growing and i could be back in hospital with another fucking chest tube. or, worse he could want to operate to clean it out.

or it could be nothing, it could be dead and gone. healed and right. i just find my mind doesn’t tend to dwell on the possible good outcomes..

finishing that thought.. it’s my thinking, having looked up some old friends on facebook that facebook is bar none the greatest tool of propaganda ever devised. it’s like the best propaganda idea the nazi’s ever had but taken to a whole new level by personalizing it and containing it all together in one place. like a repository of fakeness and psuedo-identity.

brilliant. i’m surprised judekyle hasn’t chimed in about this, big fucking brain that he is.